HORSES SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

Keep reading to find out why!

Hey everyone, trying to keep the melodrama blogging to a minimum and get back on track with this old page of mine. A total redesign should be coming soon as this page layout is starting to bore me and probably all of you readers out there. Today's topic of discussion: horses.

The domestic horse/pony is scientifically classified as follows:


Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Order: Perissodactyla
Family: Equidae
Species: Equus caballus


Translation: HORSE = EVIL.

Horses are creepy animals that have slender legs, an enlogated head with huge human like teeth, and a narrow muscular body. Every time I see a horse I think it's going to charge after me, run me over, and start gnawing off my face with its teeth. Not a pleasant thought at all. I'm not sure where this fear of horses originates from. I think back in pre-school my mother had me sit up on a horse for picture day. The source of all my fears most liekly originate from some blocked out childhood trauma. No doubt that horse probably threw my 3 year old self off its back and began to gnaw on me like in my nightmares. The skeleton of a horse, as you can see on the right can do nothing but strike fear into any man's heart.

Horses also manage to inflict horror upon onlookers. Who can forget the creepy horse sequences in the 2003 remake of "The Ring." These scenes depicted dead horses littering a beach as seen in the cursed video tape. Later in the movie we all got a good laugh when that horse on the ferry goes nuts, breaks loose, and runs off the side only to be chopped up by the boat's propeller. Fear is the ally of a horse. A horse can sense fear within a human being and that sense will drive the horse mad. The worse will begin to buck wildly trying to break free of whatever confines it. Using powerful muscular legs to smash open a steel holding pin or cage and trample you on sight.

I am quickly reminded of the game Castlevania IV for the SNES. One of the first SNES games to be released back in 1991, Castlevania IV was actually a remake of the original Castlevania for the NES. Oddly enough the programming of the game was not done by Konami staff but instead by Treasure of Japan, makers of such awsome games as Gunstar Heroes and Radiant Silvergun. In Castlevania IV the two most hideous enemies you will face are actually horses. Despite what you were thinking, that little hedgehog in the 2nd level is not the worst, but it is annoying. The two horse characters I speak of all come from the very first level of the game. In this level you will tavel through the entrance of Dracula's castle which contains a stable. In the stable you can see the heads of dead horses lying about. Get near one and they fly at you and attack you! AAAHHH! To make things worse, the end of the level contains a boss that is a skeleton man riding on top of a skeleton horse. If I were Simon Belmont, I would've ran home screaming and said "Fuck this, I'm moving to Venice!"

Sure the horse was the classic beast of burden up until the invention of the internal combustion engine. Sure, horses can be domesticated and controlled into being fairly docile creatures. But just look at them! They're hideous large toothed beasts with blackened evil in their oversized glassy eyes. If you're a horse, or know someone that is a horse, stay the hell away from me. Come near me and I'll get Mongo to take care of you and the horse you rode in on.