Completely and totally self absorbed.

I don't know what I'm getting myself into.

I didn't have proper control of my destiny.

I failed on many occaisions to take opportunties that would have developed my life.

I repeatedly complain about these things yet I'm still in the same spot.

I hang on people for advice yet never follow through.

I am a bad friend, and I'm sorry.

Lost in Biltmore Mall

I'm here, wearing a nice suit and typing on G5 macintosh.

I have no idea why I'm doing this or how I got here. I may have just fallen out of life entirely and did something stupid.

Business Analyst? Who the hell am I kidding?

Emotional Honesty

I don't know what I want to be. I don't know what I want to do.

These simple facts make me a very unappealing person, especially in the eyes of someone who is strong and confident.

No wonder I've been so lonely, why the hell would anyone want to be with someone who can't figure out how to live life? It's sad, and something that I'm dealing with. All my life I've made up pipe dreams of what I would be doing in my life, all the while neglecting to do anything in the present.

I've been waking up from these pipe dreams that I've held onto for so long. I've dug myself into a nice deep hole. It's time I accept that, and do something to get myself out. Acceptance has never been one of my qualities. As my friend Brian was telling me the other day, "There's no optimism or pessimism. There's no positive or negative. It is what it is."

So what needs to be accepted?

Getting myself out of here and developing my life is going to be HARD work. Work that I can't shy away from or quit just because it makes me uncomfortable. Although working tech support from 3 to mindite is stupid and not the way to achieve anything.

The world doesn't owe me anything. Just because I want something from life doesn't mean it's going to fall in my lap.

Loving people who will not love me back is not healthy. I've designated happiness with having certain people in my life. That's a fine thing to do to an extent, but to take it too far will make any situation between you and the person of your affections feel uncomfortable.

People are people. Thinking of someone as a giant ray of sunlight that will light up a dark a dreary life is nothing short of obsession. You can't return the love of someone who is obsessed. You can't determine whether or not that person is in love or just loves the idea of having someone.

If someone doesn't love you, there's no task on Earth you can perform to make them love you.

I'm a mess, plain and simple. I made myself into a mess and now I have to clean it up.

How? I have no idea.

KING OF THE IRON FIST

Often times I wonder which will break first... the object in front of me or my fist.

To my surprise my fist has yet to lose this competition.

Frustration can be an amazing source of power. Like a martial arts expert who smashes 8 bricks with his bare hands... frustration can do the same without the intense focus. When the internal pressue of the mind and body become too great, a sudden and violent relese can occur. A quick sudden burst of rage will shatter an object.

A simple recollection of physics will remind most that momentum is the product of mass and velocity. An impact from a feather can be just as deadly as an impact from a speeding bullet if the feather was moving at the right velocity.

A collision between two objects causes a conservation of momentum. The momentum of two objects is the same as the momentum of the objects after the collision. This occurs at the precise moment when both objects collide with each other. The moment of impact is the moment when the object in front of me breaks. When he rage is released and my fist is pulled back, the glass in front of me is shattered. It just happened a second ago all in a blink of an eye.

Oddly Quiet

Whenever I need to talk, I can never say a word.

Whenever I need to be funny and entertaining, I'm boring.

Whenever I need to make an important decision, I can never decide.

Over and over again the line from Empire Strikes Back as told by Yoda keeps banging around in my head.

"Never his mind on where he was... what he was doing!"

I've spent all my life planning for specific moments in the future. I maintain my focus and my desire only to achieve outlandish goals. These goals are so unrealistic and silly that they might as well be found in a script for the next Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay cinematic masterpiece. While dreaming up future solutions for present problems, I manage to get nothing accomplished.

One of these days I'll learn to live in the present. In 24 years I don't think I've ever taught myself how to enjoy a moment. I seem to always hold off my happiness for a day that will never come.

Since my hosting took a nose dive, I'm going to have to default to one of these mundane but pretty templates for the time being.

I know I haven't posted on here lately despite having all the time in the world to do so. My mind has been floating for too long while working nights for the past six months. Was it a waste? Let's hope not. Still need to figure out what to do, I do know that I want to leave AZ. I've been talking with a few people I know back east about staying with them and trying to find work out in Philadelphia or elsewhere.

Who knows?

My hosting is not working at the moment. I will have to call Mr. Goldstein and attempt to correct this problem.