Don't think sorry's easily said
Don't try turning tables instead
You've taken lots of Chances before
But I'm not gonna give anymore
Don't ask me
That's how it goes
Cause part of me knows what you're thinkin'

Don't say words you're gonna regret
Don't let the fire rush to your head
I've heard the accusation before
And I ain't gonna take any more
Believe me
The sun in your Eyes
Made some of the lies worth believing

Chorus:
I am the eye in the sky
Looking at you
I can read your mind
I am the maker of rules
Dealing with fools
I can cheat you blind
And I don't need to see any more
To know that
I can read your mind, I can read your mind

Don't leave false illusions behind
Don't Cry cause I ain't chnaging my mind
So find another fool like before
Cause I ain't gonna live anymore believing
Some of the lies while all of the Signs are deceiving

I know what you're thinking, sad song on a blog... blah blah blah. Well you're wrong. See the point is on Monday I sang this perfectly at Arthur's place on his karaoke program. Mother fucking thing only scored me a 92! I'm pissed off! John had the most interesting interpretation. Seeing as how everyone is still on a Lord of the Rings high after seeing The Return of the King earlier this month, John thought the song gives the perfect description of the Eye of Sauron.

So here's to the Alan Parson's Project and the weakest villain that ever was.

Happy new years everyone.

I guess that leaves us with new years resolutions. With each and everyone of us growing older, I get the sense that soon we'll all grow apart. I want to use the time left to make a better life for all of us. There's only so much time left, so let's all use it the best we can.

It would appear that my friend ARTHUR has declared me as being the front runner for the worst life of the year contest. That gave me a nice chuckle.


How did I do it? Well... all I did was show up to Brian's house one day and say "hi."


In other news I'm not sure how long I'm going to keep this blog up. I can't help but think that these damned blogs are part of this whole mess that I'm just sick of at this point.

Here, allow me to illustrate what the month of December has been like for me.

Fighting a wall that wont break for a month has exhausted me. I just spent most of the day laying in bed not being able to move. Of course I'm going out to play volleyball tonight, so I can freeze my knickers off while trying not to screw up hitting the ball over the net.

FURTHER ADVENTURES INTO CHEMISTRY!

~ Ionic bonding erotic fiction ~

The fluorine atom sat lonely in her room. She had everything a young atom could want, except one thing: an eighth electron in her outer orbital. She peered out her window, and saw a young, hansome sodium atom walking down the street. This was it, she had been waiting too long. She got dressed and walked outside.

The sodium atom atom was walking down the street, minding his own business. He had a big, firm nucleus and a 2p orbital to die for. But all that the fluorine atom cared about was his one, lonely electron in his 3s orbital. The fluorine atom stood in the middle of the sidewalk, blocking his path.

"Hey hot stuff," the fluorine atom said in a sexy voice, "what are you doing all alone on a night like this?"

"I am late for a very important single replacement reaction with silver nitrate," said the sodium atom, "Please don't hurt me." He tried to step aside, but the fluorine atom move with him, blocking his path.

"Not anymore," replied the fluorine atom, "I've had an incomplete octet for far too long, and tonight is my lucky night."

The sodium atom tried to turn and run, but the fluorine atom grabbed him and threw him to the ground. She lowered herself and gently straddled his chest, and looked sinisterly into his eyes.

"Don't even think about running. According to Graham's Law, I'm 1.10 times faster than you. You could never out run me."

She turned to see if anyone was watching, and when the coast was clear, she said slyly,

"And now to take what is mine."

She turned and unbuttoned the sodium atom's pants and slid them off his wildly kicking legs. The fluorine atom herself pulled of her own dress, leaving nothing but panties and a bra to cover he shapely non-metal body. She pulled down the sodium atom's underwear and grabbed his slowly-hardening 3s orbital, stroking it gently. She quickly let go, not wanting him to ionize too quickly. She slid off her panties, revealing a shapely ass and a clean-shaven 1p orbital. The sodium atom did not have much time to admire it before her stank 1p orbital encapsulated his erect 3s orbital.

"yes, YES!" the fluorine atom screamed. The sodium atom could not hold back. He grabbed her bra and tore it off, feeling her silky breasts. He was starting to climax.
"Give it to me!" yelled the flourine atom, herself climaxing. The sodium atom came, releasing his 3s1 electron.

Just then, the sodium atom felt a sudden change. He began shrinking rapidly from the loss of his 3s orbital. Before long, he was no longer a young, innocent sodium ion; he was a robust, seasoned sodium cation. He looked at himself, admiring his new [Ne] electron configuration. He looked up to the fluorine atom. She too has changed, growing slightly and achieving an [Ne] electron configuration of her own. The fluorine atom, now an anion, was frightened. She hadn't expected this. She tried to get up, but she couldn't. She was stuck. The fluorine anion, in her youthful behavior, neglected to consider the consequences of her actions. She and the sodium cation were no longer mere insignificant atoms anymore.

They were now sodium fluoride, an important ingredient in toothpaste.

Despite having one of the worst dreams I ever had last night, it's time to spread some Christmas joy.

Yeah it's an oldie, but it's a goodie.

It was well passed 2:00 AM. I sat on an ugly green chair watching a purple lava lamp do its magic through very sleepy eyes. I felt good, better than I've felt all month. All my worries that this month managed to produce faded away for one evening. How I would feel the next day wouldn't really matter. In the midst of all this sorrow, hearthache, and stress, my wonderful friends pulled through for me. Last night of course was the scheduled gift giving frenzy for all my friends. We were all crammed in JOEY'S apartment ready to hand each other gifts.

Gift giving amongst my friends is interesting. It truly is a situation where it's not the money spent but the thought that went into the gift that mattered. The right gift is one that shows you really know the person you're giving it to. The gift could be anything and it could be incredibly cheap, home-made, or something that doesn't cost a single penny. Hell if someone baked me a plate of cookies for christmas it would be a better gift than an expensive game system or television. Well you get the point. Luckily everyone received wonderful, amazing, and thoughtful gifts.

I however got the best gift of all. It would seem that my friends, Brian, Brandon, and Nick all pitched in to give me the mother of all gifts. I had let loose a comment about a particular item that is shall we say the holy grail for true children of the 1980's. Very rare, and obscure to many, but no less the ultimate thing from the past to own. No, this wasn't Masters of the Universe's "Stinkor" still in his blister pack. This gift was far greater than that. For they pooled together their money and fought on ebay to get me... the one... the only...

The Pac Man telephone is beyond awesome. It is a sleek one unit design that makes one kick ass phone. You open the mouth in typical pac man fashion to access the receiver and keypad. Hell, it makes an awesome telephone just for today, let alone 20 years ago. As you can see in these two pictures here, it's quite the thing to own.

But that's not why I love it so much. What I love is the fact that my friends heard me talk about it over half a year ago at the Comic Con and remembered it. I seriously thought the biggest gift I'd get would be a case of Black Lemonade (a future post shall be made about this glorious soda). The Pac Man phone is just a piece of plastic to be honest, but it means something to me because I know my friends went to great trouble to get it. That's why I was so happy. They went well beyond expectations just for me. On top of that, I still got outstanding gifts from everyone else. This was easily one of the best Christmas experiences I can remember having in a long time.

I'm happy because despite all that's happened, I still have great friends who really care about me. That's what the phone will remind me of. So this goes out to everyone. Not just the 3 awesome friends who got me the phone, but to everyone who made this Christmas outstanding. Thank you.

Oh... and thank you too, Pac Man.

In case you haven't noticed, I am a man of many hobbies. Sure some of you look at this page and say "Zombies are his hobby! Boy I'm sure smart and clever!" Well yes, technically zombies are something of a hobby of mine, but it's for a purpose damnit! For years I've been trying to resurrect the dead. I've spent hours upon hours, late nights upon late nights, studying. I need to find a way to reanimate a corpse and bind it to my will. Why would I do this? "Are you going to make an army of the dead, David? Because that is really childish and silly." FUCK NO! I just want an undead butler. Someone needs to clean this place up and it sure as shit isn't going to be me.

Re-animating the dead is harder than you think. Any jerk can dig them up a corpse, I know... I've dug up my share of them. Unfortunately they just lie around not cleaning anything like a lazy son of a bitch. I tried the Frankenstein method of using massive amounts of electricity to jumpstart the body. Unfortunately it just cooks the corpse leaving a really foul stench. Because of these numerous failures, I've researched many paths to re-animation and only until recently have I taken the path of Chemistry.

One by one I've gone through the elements on the periodic table. I've spent long hours into the night conducting countless experiments to find the key to re-animation. This has lead to seme interesting findings, the most interesting are those I've found belonging to Calcium. Calcium is by far the most interesting and important element known to man. I have unlocked its amazing and yet terrifying power. Let's head off to my lab shall we?

Here we go, calcium. Calcium is vital to human existence. Ninety-nine percent of the calcium in your body is stored in your bones and teeth. The remaining 1% is in your blood and soft tissues and is essential for life and health. Without this tiny 1% of calcium, your muscles wouldn't contract correctly, your blood wouldn't clot and your nerves wouldn't carry messages. As stated before, calcium can naturally be found in teeth of course. Without teeth we cannot eat, leading to death. I mean... sure you could eat applesauce all the time but who in their right mind would want to do that? You can't eat a hamburger without teeth, it's just nonsense to try. But yes, back to calcium.

As found on the Periodic table, Calcium has an atomic number of 20 and an atomic weight of 40.08. Here is a closer look on the calcium molecule itself.

A molecule of calcium consists of 4 electrons and 3 protons. The 3 protons send electrical energy to the center of the molecule to feed the nucleus or the more technical Queen Atom. If the protons do not feed the Queen Atom properly then the Queen Atom will leave the center of the molecule.

This well cause to the molecule break up and decay violently, leading to some pretty nasty side effects. This is known as...

THE HELVETICA SCENARIO

Although very rare, Helvetica can cause some pretty unsightly side effects to human beings. Take a look at this poor chap in one of my test chambers.

Once again, this is very rare so you shouldn't worry about Helvetica if you choose to drink a glass of milk today.

My research involving Calcium continues. Each day I'm finding new properties of the element and how to use it for my cause of creating the first zombie custodial servant. Soon I will conduct an experiment that deals with a phoenomenon known as "Calcium Image Misplacement" or commonly known as CIM. In this scenario, a pile of calcium is placed in an area that will be filled with Helium gas. The helium reacts with the calcium, making it seem to disappear before the human eye. While the actual pile of calcium stays in the same place, it's image is displaced in a linear pattern to the quantity of helium being applied. However, that will be for another day. Until then I need to continue my reasearch and... oh wait... oh no...

IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!



OH SNAP!

Hey there's nothing quite like losing 12 pounds in one week! Let's see how I've progressed since I started this blog.

This was taken back in august, when I weighed 200 lbs.


Here I am at the first of November. I weighed 190 lbs.


This was taken last night. I now weigh 178 lbs.

If this continues, I can be the zombie I always wanted to be. Stay tuned for tomorrow's post where I describe to you my experiments with one of the most important elements known to mankind. Calcium.

THIS RABBIT APPROVES!



The story of rabbit approved macaroni and cheese.

Sometimes you never know what you'll find at your friends' houses. One time, my friend Nick decided he was going to eat some macaroni and cheese. Don't be fooled however, as this was no ordinary macaroni and cheese. I know what you're thinking. "But how could anyone eat macaroni and cheese that wasn't Kraft macaroni and cheese. It's not humanly possible to make macaroni and cheese any cheesier than what is offered by Kraft." Well I say to you, you obvioualy have never tried Annie's HOMEGROWN Shells & White Cheddar.

Of course the thing that stands out the most is the seal on the package, the Rabbit of Approval. There's no doubt with the look on the face of that rabbit, that the rabbit does indeed approve of something. What does it appove of I wonder? Does it approve of the macaroni and cheese? Does it approve of you for purchasing and eating such said macaroni and cheese? I don't trust that rabbit. Also, if this is the Rabbit of Approval, then I fear what the Rabbit of Disapproval looks like.

THE RETURN OF HALF PRICE BOOKS

Well, sort of...

Prior to attending my last semester in College, my friend good friend, Brian, made me aware of the most magical bookstore I've ever had the pleasure of walking into. HALF PRICE BOOKS is a chain of bookstores, and from my count there are only 79 store locations acrossed the country. It's very much like a local used bookstore, only friendlier and not so full of junk. We have a local used bookstore chain here in Arizona called Bookman's. While Bookman's is nice for what it offers, too often have I gone in there only to find nothing of interest in a store full of thousands upon thousands of books. Bookman's to me is more like a museum of pieces of culture no one wanted or wanted to keep. It's the type of exeprience where you walk into a store and see items from your childhood being sold again for bargain bin prices. It forces you to think to yourself "Why the hell did I own that in the first place?"

Half Price Books on the other hand had plenty of excellent books for incredible prices. My copy of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep for example, goes on sale at any Borders or Barnes and Noble for 20 dollars. At half price I payed little more than five dollars for the same quality. It's quite easy to walk into the store, pay only 30 dollars, and walk out with an armful of books. This became a weekly activity for my friends and myself. The biggest draw the store had for all of us was of course the coffee. This wasn't your typical raw sewage coffee from a Barnes and Noble Starbucks. Oh no no no, quite the contrary. It was magically delicious coffee that you could have FOR FREE. Remember kids, free coffee is the best tasting coffee.

We had it all: great atmosphere, good books, and delicious free coffee. What could possibly go wrong? Well the location nearest to us just east of I-10 on Elliot Rd. closed down. This put us all in shock! How could our most favorite place in all of this wretched desert leave us? When something like this happens I always believe that it's my fault. I should've sacrificed a lamb before drinking each cup of delicious free coffee. Maybe I just want an excuse to repeatedly cut apart and kill an animal before I do anything in life, but that's not important. What is important is that we've been experiencing Hell on Earth without our beloved Half Price Books.

All hope is not lost, since 2 locations still exist in Arizona. Unfortunately they're located in Paradise Valley and Superstition Springs. Two areas really far out from where my friends and I live (The Southern ass-end of Phoenix). Yesterday my good pal Brian called me on the phone and came up with the excellent idea of finally venturing out and going to one of these other locations. It was an excellent idea, and well worth the drive. While the layout of this location was a little smaller than what we were used to, everything else was quite the same. Of course, there was coffee. Not just any coffee... delicious Irish Cream coffee. In less than an hour I managed to drink 3 cups.

The important thing to note is that caffiene is to me what alcohol is to a lot of people. When I drink too much alcohol, I don't get wild and crazy like most folk. I get really tired, grumpy, and sometimes angry. Caffiene on the other hand makes me goddamn crazy. In this particular instance I felt like my brain was trying to push itself out of the bridge of my nose. I think it would be best for everoyne that in cases of social drinking, I should forget the alcohol and instead stock up on redbull, jolt, and heaping amounts of coffee. I'll know when to stop if my nose starts to bleed and my teeth begin to wiggle.

To summarize, I had a good day yesterday.

On friday I posted a soliloquy, something I very rarely do. I took it down because I didn't feel it was appropriate for this site, even though it is mine. Soliloquys are an interesting thing, especially in its original theatrical form. It's the partt of the play where the play itself stops and the character continues on. One could say the character is subconsciously reaching out to the audience, asking the audience for the answers. Of course a well delivered and powerful soliloquy will get the audience members to shout back at the stage.

In my current state I seem to be full of these long drawn out posts. It's easy to worry that my original purpose for this blog would diminish as I became some sort of attention whoring drama queen. Due to certain circumstances I don't think there's anyone out there who will blame me for having the need to get a few things off my chest every now and then. Rather than hide them it's best that I get this one out of my system and move on to some more art work. So here is Friday night's soliloquy. I promise it will not be removed.

---

Friday, December 12, 2003
posted by G-III on 4:17 PM

I am getting by.

It's amazing what you learn about yourself when the chips are down. I've learned that I'm more level headed than I let others believe. The recent events that I'm sure anyone who's reading this is well aware of have done a number on me. I've never encountered a situation in life that makes it so that in one week your pants barely fit you anymore. I'm all for losing weight, but I really like those pants.

I sit here, staring at this screen like I've done day after day in the past... but something's different this time. I used to wake up every morning and face this screen with a bit of sadness, but a lot of hope. Hope that one day I wouldn't have to look at this screen in the morning and feel so damned alone. The hope that I'd be able to share with someone I grew to care about more than anyone else on this planet. Well, that's gone now. Now I look into this screen and feel totally alone. My one big hope taken from me before I had any ability to keep it from leaving. In a situation like this, I couldn't help but think to myself... what could I have done? What should I have done? There was nothing I could do. The decision was made before I had a chance to show up and say "hi."

That's why I haven't been vengeful, that's why I haven't totally flipped out and caused bloodshed. None of that will bring things back the way they were. Like a vase shattered against the ground, it can never be fully repaired. Some goddamn clod just came in and knocked it over. No matter how harshly you can punish that person and make them sorry... it wont bring back what was broken. You can try to glue the pieces back together, but the cracks will always be there. The only thing you can really do is sweep up the pieces. At this point you can toss them aside, or keep them in a box somewhere. Try to cherish the memory of what was and move on the best you can. No amount of violence or destruction I can inflict is going to prevent me from having to just deal with my sadness and move on. Try all you want, punish as hard as you can, it just wont fix what was broken.

It's times like this I always question what deity it was that I actually pissed off. I didn't think I was being that hubristic, but I managed to piss Zeus off somehow. I'm normally very humble... but I guess my number was up. Who would've thought just a smidgen of hope and happiness could be the albatross around my neck. I can't help but think back and remember the necklace I used to wear all the time.

If things weren't bad enough, today I just watched the TRAILER for the live action Garfield movie coming out next year. Seriously... what the fuck? That's the worst goddamn thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Last Samurai. You know a movie is awful when the last lines go like this.

'Tell me how he died.'

"No, I will tell you how he lived."

Man, it just wasn't my week.

To get back on track here, I'm handling things. It may take a long time, but I'm confident I'll make it out of this alright. Right now I'm just sad.

I am getting by.

---

Also, that Garfield trailer link is back up again. Watch and you will know fear.

Interesting enough, I saw Return of the King at midnite. I almost hated the book, didn't care for the first two movies, but loved this movie incredibly. Despite being 3 hours and 30 minutes long (and that's difficult to watch when you're already dead tired) there wasn't a dull moment. The acting was spot on, the colors were finally rich and vibrant (see the picture below to understand just how awful the filtering was on the first two movies), and the action was top notch. Even a depressed and cynical old bastard like me couldn't help but walk out of the theater with a smile on my face.

PS: The movie did lack Sam & Frodo love. :(

Today is officially "Lord of the Rings" day. This means as a group of friends, everyone is going to be at Brian's house watching both Fellowship of the Ring and Two Towers extended editions only to then walk over to AMC Ahwatukee 24 and watch Return of the King at midnite. Oddly enough, I'm actually being a part of this. "But David, why is that odd? Don't you like Lord of the Rings?" Well, to be perfectly honest, not really. I enjoyed the Hobbit more than Lord of the Rings. I could spend all day giving a list of reasons why I'd rather watch the Roger Corman classic "Deathrace 2000" than the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but it's highly doubtful that I'll manage to get anyone to understand those reasons.

Of course a great number of my friends are crazy about Lord of the Rings. I know my friend John will probably end up dressing up as a hobbit before he watches the movie tonight. Of course he'll be the only one, and it will be very awkward. I wonder if he cuddles his pillow at night while he sleeps and says to himself "Oh Gandalf, why can't you knock on my door and take me on a magical adventure!" (Of course if John ever reads this, my ass is definately going to get kicked to some degree. Love ya, John.)

In short, I don't hate Lord of the Rings, and as movies I think they're nicely done. There's just something about them that doesn't really capture my interest. It probably has more to do with the fact I've never been big on that particular fantasy genre. Also, I hate the damned elves. Whenever I read about them or see them on screen I want them all to die a horrible and gruesome death. Damned arrogant, pretty faced, pointy eared fuckers.

Even though I've read all the books and was extremely dissapointed with how anti-climactic Return of the King was, I'm still looking forward to seeing how it is adapted tonight. I'm on edge to see what creative changes will be made to the story. Will Aragorn have his final fight with Sauron? Will Gandalf finally do ANYTHING interesting? Will Merry and Pippin be arrested for posession of illegal pipe weed? Most importantly, will Sam and Frodo finally confess their love for each other? We all saw it at the end of The Two Towers.

"I want to hear more about Samwise the Brave! I couldn't have gone much far without him."

Oh yeah, there's gonna be a whole lotta Sam & Frodo love.

I just made this image for SOMETHING AWFUL and luckily they thought it was good enough to be a part of this week's Comedy Goldmine. The idea for the contest was simple. Make your own cover for an issue of WEEKLY WORLD NEWS. By the time I started to create my entry, all the good ideas were taken. Therefore, I tried to think of what could be the most shocking headlines for an issue of Weekly World News. This is what I came up with.

OH SNAP! SUPER DOUBLE EDIT!

NOW YOU GET TO READ THE WHOLE THING!
~It was taken down for repairs~

Yikes, this month has gone by screamingly fast. It's probably been fast for me since I've done everything possible to avoid my house for the past 2 weeks. To handle the problems this month has thrown at me I decided to put more of myself out of this house rather than in. Had I spent the time just sitting here and sulk all the way through through it would have just made things worse. Being in my house has always given me way too much time to dwell on the things that make me unhappy. I've been "drowning" myself in my friends, not to use as shoulders to cry on but instead people I can be around. Their presence alone sometimes helps me cope, even if I'm just in the room playing videogames or on one of their computers Photoshopping a funny picture.

That leads me to the next topic. I've read a lot recently from other people about their writing. How they feel they're not good enough, or what they aspire to do with their writing. I have never considered myself to be any good at writing. My dialog is clunky, robotic, and stale. Eventually any sort of purpose or meaning gets drowned out in too much description. It's one of those situations in which you find out that what you want to be talented in is out of your reach. I've always wanted to write great pieces of fiction, but I'm much better at writing pieces of non-fiction. Or hell, skip the writing business all together since I'm much better at creating random cooky images than I am at entertaining anyone with my writing.

That's been pretty much the main purpose of this blog. Since April, 2000 I've been fooling around in Photoshop. I originally obtained the program so I could make web page layouts and edit images. I was making a fan made art gallery for all the AMANO YOSHITAKA images I collected over the years. Of course when anyone starts out using the program, they start screwing around with filters and other little effects features. It takes a long time for someone to realize their potential with the program and how to use it as an effective tool to create art. It wasn't until October of last year when I was finally inspired (more like "depressed into the realm of no other choice") to create something that had been lingering in my head for a long time. This is an image that left an imprint in my mind and refused to leave.

I'm sure you have all seen this picture before.

After creating that image, a realization came to me. I almost recreated something in my head into some other medium besides my imagination. The unfortunate thing is just what kind of image it was. I was expressing how I felt, which at the time I felt pretty damn shitty. I really did feel like some hollow husk of a person crying out in agony. However, the excitement of creation was too much for me to pass up. I kept making images like this as you can see in the archives on this page. This has lead to a problem. With each new piece of work, the images kept getting more sick and depraved. Certainly no one needs to see the Natalie Portman zombie or the zombie baby picture again, but you get the idea. The worse I feel, the more horrible I can make the image. Once the image is created, it just adds to the cycle. I learn new ways to create horrible things and make them look more realistic each time. When you do something like this, you don't realize how it changes you as a person. As I am making these images, all I'm seeing is roots, rocks, and teeth. Once it's done, and it's been up for a few days... I finally get a chance to look at what I made in the same way that everyone else does. Sometimes it really does make me feel sick to my stomach. It's understood that this is how I make other people feel when they view these kinds of images. Do I have some deep seeded desire to make people feel awful?

There's also another issue that goes back to writing vs. Photoshop. It would seem that writing and other forms of art seem to be more prestigious. While it's true that Photoshop does make it easier for me to manipulate images rather than to try to recreate them entirely by hand, it does not mean that I don't put a lot of time and effort into certain images. People tend to believe that anything done on a computer is quick, easy, and less profound. This can be anything from photo manipulation to 3d animation. A lot of this is very intense and difficult work. Photoshop can also be very frustrating when you're trying to manipulate and control 15+ layers at a time. Of course no one really understands this until they try to do it themselves. I never understood just how impossible and frustrating 3d animation could be until I got myself a copy of 3ds Max and just tried to make a cylinder. There just seems to be a stigma attached to making art with a computer in way that makes it seem inferior to writing, painting, sculpting, and photography.

What does all this mean? Why the hell did I just type all that out? Probably to get a few things off my chest, that and I'm afraid if I try to make a zombie right now it will be the most horrifying thing anyone has ever seen. So to combat that fear, I'm going to post a picture that always cracks my shit up whenever I look at it.

Man I sure do hope Saddam Hussein remembers his "I can change I can chaaaange..." song and dance routine, otherwise he's pretty fucked.

Ahhh well. The blog out system went completely retarded. This means that all our responses on all our blogs have been deleted. *Poof* Gone forever. There isn't a damn thing I can do about that. Also, I'm still wondering whether or not I should repost my infamous friday night soliloquy.

I have a problem with blogging. Whenever I write something personal, I put it up here... then re-read it and take it down hopefully before anyone else can read it. Because of recent events, it's been hard for me not to use this blog as a means to scream out how I feel. Unfortunately, doing so would violate what I wanted this blog to be. I wanted to entertain people instead of having them read long exerpts about my problems. Granted, sometimes I over-estimate my ability to entertain people when I post animated pictures depicting a woman getting her eye sliced apart by a straight razor.

No one likes a drama queen. Rather than dwell on my sadness and continually assualt people with it here, I think I'll just stick to my regular routine of stupid, funny, and weird shit. Anyone who reads this blog can talk to me face to face, so there's really no need for me to repeat what I've already said in person. If you want to know how I'm feeling in the midst of all this, I'm doing alright and I'm getting by. I'm still very sad, a little angry, and dissapointed. I really did want to see New York during Christmas time. Of course if anyone really wants me to repost what I put up yesterday, just say the word and it will be here.

I also weigh 178 lbs. now. This is pretty significant for me, since up until late october I weighed 200 lbs. I'm all for losing weight, but not being able to fit into my pants anymore is a little depressing. I like those pants. :(

Ah well, the main thing to note is that I continue to function. Within time I'm sure everything will work itself out to be alright, but for right now I'm trying to get re-acquainted with an old friend of mine.

THE INTERNET!

Ladies and gentlmen, say hello to Ben O.

Since I always keep a promise, here is a Pear playing tennis.

Besides, I hate when I can't finish a photoshop. That just makes me feel like shit, and if there's one thing I don't need right now it's that.

The solitude defies description.

I have been imprisoned in this nameless castle for immemorial aeons. When I strain my mind to recall the reasons and wherefores of my incarceration, I can come up with nothing but fleeting fragments. I may have insulted an Archon, or trespassed upon a Sleeper's domain; it matters not. The fact remains, I am here, and as becomes increasingly apparent, here I will always be.

It is clear to me that I am alone in this realm, master of all and nothing. A gibbous moon is frozen in an obliterated sky -- there are no stars, no city lights, no sights other than that pallid, cyclopean eye that watches ceaselessly the ruins of my domain.

I have naught but the bones of my ancestors to keep me company, and yet when I enact the summoning rites the Masters taught me so long ago, I am subjected to mere mummers' plays, antics of dead bones given motion by my will alone. It is clear to me now that the 'soul' is but a fancy, wishful thinking for those who fear death, and I have lost hope of making contact with any form of life beyond this realm. Thus, my haphazard necromancy gives me not the slightest twinge of guilt. It is in fact amusing to watch the animated corpses of one's family leap out a tower window to shatter against the cobblestones of the courtyard below, yet after the fiftieth time you view it, the novelty wears thin.

In dreams also I stride alone, passing blasted cityscapes and benighted crypts with nothing to break the silence but the dull tread of my own footsteps. I regard ruins so ancient that the names of their empires are lost in the void of time. As many experiments upon myself have proven, death is impossible in this realm of stasis, as is escape. I can only hope to endure until the fraying tethers of my sanity at last unmoor, assuaging my guilt, salving my rage, and easing the ceaseless ennui that haunts me. I long for such a release.

Methinks it won't be long now -- hence my inscriptions here. Occasionally I hear whispers only to find that they flow from mine own lips. I cast shadows on torch-lit walls simply to see living movement not my own. At times I cannot recall my name -- a name of which I was once so proud, though the reasons for that have crumbled in my mind, as has all 'reason' here.

There is enormous freedom in my hazed realm, and even more in the solipsism of my ruin-haunted dreams -- and the divisions between them become increasingly unclear. In all of it, I am alone, and there will come a time when this knowledge does not frighten me. For in the end, all one has is one's mind, and once one has lost that... oh, how vast the silence.

How vast, and how beautiful.

--H.P. Lovecraft

"And like a man with a tiger outside his gate,
Not only couldn't relax but he couldn't relate..."

Man, life's a bitch when you realize you've been doing it all wrong.

My head feels like this classic funny picture.

It would appear that on top of having the worst week of my life, I have the most awful case of the flu at the moment. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and my left arm stings for no good reason. It's times like this I wish I had medical insurance.

Man what a fucked up week.

Hey dudes! I just lost 10 lbs. in one week! All I needed was to feel like total shit and be stressed out beyond belief!

THAT'S AWESOME!

To be honest, I don't have a picture disturbing enough to match just how shitty I feel at the moment.

Good night everyone!