In case you haven't noticed, I am a man of many hobbies. Sure some of you look at this page and say "Zombies are his hobby! Boy I'm sure smart and clever!" Well yes, technically zombies are something of a hobby of mine, but it's for a purpose damnit! For years I've been trying to resurrect the dead. I've spent hours upon hours, late nights upon late nights, studying. I need to find a way to reanimate a corpse and bind it to my will. Why would I do this? "Are you going to make an army of the dead, David? Because that is really childish and silly." FUCK NO! I just want an undead butler. Someone needs to clean this place up and it sure as shit isn't going to be me.

Re-animating the dead is harder than you think. Any jerk can dig them up a corpse, I know... I've dug up my share of them. Unfortunately they just lie around not cleaning anything like a lazy son of a bitch. I tried the Frankenstein method of using massive amounts of electricity to jumpstart the body. Unfortunately it just cooks the corpse leaving a really foul stench. Because of these numerous failures, I've researched many paths to re-animation and only until recently have I taken the path of Chemistry.

One by one I've gone through the elements on the periodic table. I've spent long hours into the night conducting countless experiments to find the key to re-animation. This has lead to seme interesting findings, the most interesting are those I've found belonging to Calcium. Calcium is by far the most interesting and important element known to man. I have unlocked its amazing and yet terrifying power. Let's head off to my lab shall we?

Here we go, calcium. Calcium is vital to human existence. Ninety-nine percent of the calcium in your body is stored in your bones and teeth. The remaining 1% is in your blood and soft tissues and is essential for life and health. Without this tiny 1% of calcium, your muscles wouldn't contract correctly, your blood wouldn't clot and your nerves wouldn't carry messages. As stated before, calcium can naturally be found in teeth of course. Without teeth we cannot eat, leading to death. I mean... sure you could eat applesauce all the time but who in their right mind would want to do that? You can't eat a hamburger without teeth, it's just nonsense to try. But yes, back to calcium.

As found on the Periodic table, Calcium has an atomic number of 20 and an atomic weight of 40.08. Here is a closer look on the calcium molecule itself.

A molecule of calcium consists of 4 electrons and 3 protons. The 3 protons send electrical energy to the center of the molecule to feed the nucleus or the more technical Queen Atom. If the protons do not feed the Queen Atom properly then the Queen Atom will leave the center of the molecule.

This well cause to the molecule break up and decay violently, leading to some pretty nasty side effects. This is known as...

THE HELVETICA SCENARIO

Although very rare, Helvetica can cause some pretty unsightly side effects to human beings. Take a look at this poor chap in one of my test chambers.

Once again, this is very rare so you shouldn't worry about Helvetica if you choose to drink a glass of milk today.

My research involving Calcium continues. Each day I'm finding new properties of the element and how to use it for my cause of creating the first zombie custodial servant. Soon I will conduct an experiment that deals with a phoenomenon known as "Calcium Image Misplacement" or commonly known as CIM. In this scenario, a pile of calcium is placed in an area that will be filled with Helium gas. The helium reacts with the calcium, making it seem to disappear before the human eye. While the actual pile of calcium stays in the same place, it's image is displaced in a linear pattern to the quantity of helium being applied. However, that will be for another day. Until then I need to continue my reasearch and... oh wait... oh no...

IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!



OH SNAP!