"Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it's like to live as a slave."
-Roy Batty -- "Blade Runner"
After staying up 22 hours yesterday it doesn't make any sense for me to have only 6 hours of sleep. It is possible to be so mentally worn down by shit work that you or anyone else would be willing to fight off feelings of fatigue just to be with friends. The lack of adventure and social interraction is getting to me.
Needless to say, an adventure is required. At 24 years old I have too many regrets and not enough happy memories. A certain level of caution was always there to prevent me from taking those risks. Caution can be helpful at times. A careful forethought that hopefully prevents one from doing extremely stupid activities. Activities such as running around in a thunderstorm while carrying a t.v. antennae wrapped in tin foil. The problem with being a cautious person is that it's hard to have fun in life without taking stupid risks.
Imagine seeing Surgeon General warning labeles plastered on everything you see but not just for cigarettes and alcohol. Right now I see getting an MBA at ASU as "WARNING: Persuing higher education in a field you were never suited for will cause regret and loss of friends." Thus staying in Arizona is labeled as "WARNING: If you don't leave now your life will never change." At the same time leaving home reads as "WARNING: May cause endless wandering and poverty." The worst is seeing this label on a woman I find attractive. "WARNING: Persuing relations with this person may cause heartbreak, humiliation, and financial loss."
All these labels are generated by fear. Back in October, someone very close to me, someone I loved very much asked me if I would go skydiving with her. I was mortified with fear over the idea of jumping out of an airplane. "I don't want to be that 1/10000th guy who's parachute doesn't open." While a parachute not opening is a valid concern and a dangerous possiblity, that wasn't the reason why I didn't go skydiving. Fear had gotten the best of me. Here was an activity that I wanted to do, but my own fear wouldn't allow it.
The only way to strengthen a relationship is to take a risk. I learned the hard way that if you don't take risks with the person you care about, then they just might go find someone else who will. The skydiving opportunity is just one incident out of many that led to the demise of a relationship that I cherished above all others. Feelings of regret and bitterness bubble up from my stomach when I look back at it all and that's the problem. No one should feel regret looking back at their lives. Instead, they should be able to look back and say "at least I took a chance."
