Lost in Biltmore Mall
I'm here, wearing a nice suit and typing on G5 macintosh.
I have no idea why I'm doing this or how I got here. I may have just fallen out of life entirely and did something stupid.
Business Analyst? Who the hell am I kidding?
Thursday, December 02, 2004
KING OF THE IRON FIST
Often times I wonder which will break first... the object in front of me or my fist.
To my surprise my fist has yet to lose this competition.
Frustration can be an amazing source of power. Like a martial arts expert who smashes 8 bricks with his bare hands... frustration can do the same without the intense focus. When the internal pressue of the mind and body become too great, a sudden and violent relese can occur. A quick sudden burst of rage will shatter an object.
A simple recollection of physics will remind most that momentum is the product of mass and velocity. An impact from a feather can be just as deadly as an impact from a speeding bullet if the feather was moving at the right velocity.
A collision between two objects causes a conservation of momentum. The momentum of two objects is the same as the momentum of the objects after the collision. This occurs at the precise moment when both objects collide with each other. The moment of impact is the moment when the object in front of me breaks. When he rage is released and my fist is pulled back, the glass in front of me is shattered. It just happened a second ago all in a blink of an eye.
Often times I wonder which will break first... the object in front of me or my fist.
To my surprise my fist has yet to lose this competition.
Frustration can be an amazing source of power. Like a martial arts expert who smashes 8 bricks with his bare hands... frustration can do the same without the intense focus. When the internal pressue of the mind and body become too great, a sudden and violent relese can occur. A quick sudden burst of rage will shatter an object.
A simple recollection of physics will remind most that momentum is the product of mass and velocity. An impact from a feather can be just as deadly as an impact from a speeding bullet if the feather was moving at the right velocity.
A collision between two objects causes a conservation of momentum. The momentum of two objects is the same as the momentum of the objects after the collision. This occurs at the precise moment when both objects collide with each other. The moment of impact is the moment when the object in front of me breaks. When he rage is released and my fist is pulled back, the glass in front of me is shattered. It just happened a second ago all in a blink of an eye.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Oddly Quiet
Whenever I need to talk, I can never say a word.
Whenever I need to be funny and entertaining, I'm boring.
Whenever I need to make an important decision, I can never decide.
Over and over again the line from Empire Strikes Back as told by Yoda keeps banging around in my head.
"Never his mind on where he was... what he was doing!"
I've spent all my life planning for specific moments in the future. I maintain my focus and my desire only to achieve outlandish goals. These goals are so unrealistic and silly that they might as well be found in a script for the next Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay cinematic masterpiece. While dreaming up future solutions for present problems, I manage to get nothing accomplished.
One of these days I'll learn to live in the present. In 24 years I don't think I've ever taught myself how to enjoy a moment. I seem to always hold off my happiness for a day that will never come.
Whenever I need to talk, I can never say a word.
Whenever I need to be funny and entertaining, I'm boring.
Whenever I need to make an important decision, I can never decide.
Over and over again the line from Empire Strikes Back as told by Yoda keeps banging around in my head.
"Never his mind on where he was... what he was doing!"
I've spent all my life planning for specific moments in the future. I maintain my focus and my desire only to achieve outlandish goals. These goals are so unrealistic and silly that they might as well be found in a script for the next Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay cinematic masterpiece. While dreaming up future solutions for present problems, I manage to get nothing accomplished.
One of these days I'll learn to live in the present. In 24 years I don't think I've ever taught myself how to enjoy a moment. I seem to always hold off my happiness for a day that will never come.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Since my hosting took a nose dive, I'm going to have to default to one of these mundane but pretty templates for the time being.
I know I haven't posted on here lately despite having all the time in the world to do so. My mind has been floating for too long while working nights for the past six months. Was it a waste? Let's hope not. Still need to figure out what to do, I do know that I want to leave AZ. I've been talking with a few people I know back east about staying with them and trying to find work out in Philadelphia or elsewhere.
Who knows?
I know I haven't posted on here lately despite having all the time in the world to do so. My mind has been floating for too long while working nights for the past six months. Was it a waste? Let's hope not. Still need to figure out what to do, I do know that I want to leave AZ. I've been talking with a few people I know back east about staying with them and trying to find work out in Philadelphia or elsewhere.
Who knows?
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Zombies!
Hey remember when I used to do stuff with zombies?
Well recently I came up with the idea of taking paintings and portraits of well nown figures and turning them into zombies
Here's a portrait of famous artist Egon Schiele as done by a Japanese painter name Ikuko
and here is what I did to it
Hey remember when I used to do stuff with zombies?
Well recently I came up with the idea of taking paintings and portraits of well nown figures and turning them into zombies
Here's a portrait of famous artist Egon Schiele as done by a Japanese painter name Ikuko
and here is what I did to it
Monday, October 25, 2004
Oh yeah, that's right... I have a blog.
I've decided that I hate computers. Working a job that requires me to stare into a monitor for more than 8 hours in a day has destroyed all the love I've ever had for these examples of high tech sorcery.
Reasons why I have to leave Phoenix
1. I can't be a bitter alcoholic
Working a shitty job well into the night makes me want to drown my sorrows with copious amounts of alcohol. After work I go out searching for a place that's still open. During the weekends all that's open are the annoyingly loud bar/clubs of Mill Ave. and maybe the bar at a local Chilis. I can't be a bitter drunk while god awful hip-hop is playing at decibels far beyond the threshold of pain.
2. I hate driving around everywhere
My car is reaching the end of its existence. Having to drive around at least half an hour to get anywhere in this city is starting to cheese me off. I really need to move to a city with a good public transportation system, especially one with a metro. I love trains, and I love being taken places instead of having to drive around all the goddamn time.
3. This city has no color
Living in a desert for nearly 10 years will make anyone miss the color green. If it weren't for the massive urban sprawl, I'd say I was living on Arrakis.
I've decided that I hate computers. Working a job that requires me to stare into a monitor for more than 8 hours in a day has destroyed all the love I've ever had for these examples of high tech sorcery.
Reasons why I have to leave Phoenix
1. I can't be a bitter alcoholic
Working a shitty job well into the night makes me want to drown my sorrows with copious amounts of alcohol. After work I go out searching for a place that's still open. During the weekends all that's open are the annoyingly loud bar/clubs of Mill Ave. and maybe the bar at a local Chilis. I can't be a bitter drunk while god awful hip-hop is playing at decibels far beyond the threshold of pain.
2. I hate driving around everywhere
My car is reaching the end of its existence. Having to drive around at least half an hour to get anywhere in this city is starting to cheese me off. I really need to move to a city with a good public transportation system, especially one with a metro. I love trains, and I love being taken places instead of having to drive around all the goddamn time.
3. This city has no color
Living in a desert for nearly 10 years will make anyone miss the color green. If it weren't for the massive urban sprawl, I'd say I was living on Arrakis.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
"Goodbye"
I hate that phrase. The majority of situations in which I was required to repeat that phrase have never been pleasant nor "good." Today I had to say goodbye to my friend, Joey. He leaves tomorrow to live and work in L.A. with hopes of breaking into the entertainment industry as an actor.
He's off to persue his life's adventure and I couldn't be happier for him. As much as I'll miss my friend, I'd be more depressed if he never chased his dream and stayed here instead. It's amazing to think that at our ages we were able to stay together as cohesive group of friends for so long. Of course the term "friend" doesn't quite cut it when needing to describe what we all are to each other. Joey, Nick, Brian, Brandon, John, Ryan, Ed, Josh h., Josh c. and even myself... we're all family. One giant family.
When I graduated from college and came back home, I became reacquainted with this family. Being with this family became my life for over a year and half. Being with this family took precedence over everything else. I love my family and truth be told, I'd be willing to die for any one of the people I listed above.
Having a father who was a navy reservist required me to move around a lot when I was younger. Up until the age of fifteen I was used to moving around every 2 years to a new town, new school, and a new set of friends. It wasn't until I moved here did I get the chance to know a group of people for almost a decade. Saying goodbye to friends used to be easy for me. "See you in the future," I would say as I hopped in a car and left for another state. Saying goodbye now, like I had to earlier today, just breaks my heart.
So instead of saying goodbye, I think I'll follow the customs of the Eternians from the live action movie of "Masters of the Universe." (The MPAA has rated this feature D for Dolph. Meaning this feature contains the actor Dolph Lundgren and should not be viewed by anyone at any age.) In that movie, He-Man and his faithful companions explain that in Eternia no one says "goodbye." Instead they say "good journey."
Have a good journey, Joey. Be the best actor you can be.
I hate that phrase. The majority of situations in which I was required to repeat that phrase have never been pleasant nor "good." Today I had to say goodbye to my friend, Joey. He leaves tomorrow to live and work in L.A. with hopes of breaking into the entertainment industry as an actor.
He's off to persue his life's adventure and I couldn't be happier for him. As much as I'll miss my friend, I'd be more depressed if he never chased his dream and stayed here instead. It's amazing to think that at our ages we were able to stay together as cohesive group of friends for so long. Of course the term "friend" doesn't quite cut it when needing to describe what we all are to each other. Joey, Nick, Brian, Brandon, John, Ryan, Ed, Josh h., Josh c. and even myself... we're all family. One giant family.
When I graduated from college and came back home, I became reacquainted with this family. Being with this family became my life for over a year and half. Being with this family took precedence over everything else. I love my family and truth be told, I'd be willing to die for any one of the people I listed above.
Having a father who was a navy reservist required me to move around a lot when I was younger. Up until the age of fifteen I was used to moving around every 2 years to a new town, new school, and a new set of friends. It wasn't until I moved here did I get the chance to know a group of people for almost a decade. Saying goodbye to friends used to be easy for me. "See you in the future," I would say as I hopped in a car and left for another state. Saying goodbye now, like I had to earlier today, just breaks my heart.
So instead of saying goodbye, I think I'll follow the customs of the Eternians from the live action movie of "Masters of the Universe." (The MPAA has rated this feature D for Dolph. Meaning this feature contains the actor Dolph Lundgren and should not be viewed by anyone at any age.) In that movie, He-Man and his faithful companions explain that in Eternia no one says "goodbye." Instead they say "good journey."
Have a good journey, Joey. Be the best actor you can be.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Just for convenience, I finally fixed that pesky problem with the title graphic. Now onto "THE POST"
I hardly ever take pictures.
For years I've had pride in myself for not taking pictures. I keep everything all up in the old noggin. When I was younger, I loved taking pictures of everything I could find and unfortunately that just led to a lot of pictures stored away in envelopes up in the attic.
Of course when I'm old, my memory starts to fade, and I begin to look backwards instead of forwards, I'll kick myself for not keeping a physical record of my memory. This past thursday and friday I was in San Diego for the first time since July. And while no tires exploded on the way there, no zombie jesus argued with a klingon in the klingon's native language, and no crowds of star wars fans dressed in imperial uniforms were present, my experiences this past Thursday were quite memorable.
Early thursday morning, my father and I hopped in the car and drove to San Diego. He and many of his old Navy buddies wanted to get together and go aboard the United States' latest and largetst aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan. I was looking for an excuse to leave Phoenix and I haven't been on a carrier since boarding the U.S.S. Coral Sea back in 1983.
To discribe the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan in one word: HUGE. The flight deck alone is over 300 yards long. The view from the flight deck, of course, was gorgeous. Being able to see the entire San Diego bay from Coronado island is always a treat.
The interior of the ship is a cramped metal maze of stairways, ladders, chambers, and possibly a minotaur in the center. The entrance to the ship was a little odd as the entrance contained a small memorial museuem for Ronal Reagan that was well designed but somewhat creepy. I'm not sure if Mr. Reagan wanted the poster for "Bedtime for Bonzo" to be on display in an aircraft carrier named after him.
The real treat of that day was being able to talk to for the first time some of the people my father served with while in the military. The first was Terry Kaltenbach, a man who has been my father's closest and oldest friend. He is a retired Naval intelligence commander who now works as an insurance underwriter. Throughout the whole trip he discussed with me the idea of joining the Naval reserve intelligence program. The next person I got to meet was a woman named Stayce. She's a colonel in the Air Force reserves, a United Airlines pilot, and the first woman to be eligible to fly Air Force one. She was all around one incredible person that I hope to keep in touch with.
The third and final interesting person I got to meet was a short man named Charlie White. Charles was the youngest of the group (still in his fifties) who now works at Naval Air Systems Command or commonly known as "NavAir." He made a mention to me that NavAir is always short on staff for as many projects that they have. He also mentioned to me that there's a good chance I could get hired if I talk to the right people. Great guy, but I wonder if I'll ever hear from him again.
Of course hanging around all these people who had nothing but praise for their time in the service makes a young impressionable guy like me go... "HEY! I WANT A JOIN TOO!" That's the danger of getting stuck in a rut, you'll do almost anything to get out no matter how crazy. But I think I'll go teach english out in Japan before I decide to become an Air Force supply officer outside of bagdhad.
Besides, because of my bad eyesight, I could never do any of the cool jobs the military or other forms of government service has to offer. Just recently I learned that that I could easily be eligible to be a special agent in the FBI, only if my vision wasn't 20/400 uncorrected. The same goes with any type of aviation or navigator position. Even as a commercial pilot, I could not fly with my vision, so somewhere along the lines if I ever do choose to go these routes, I'll have to get lasik.
So here I sit, yanking out my hair trying to think of what to do with the rest of my life.
I hardly ever take pictures.
For years I've had pride in myself for not taking pictures. I keep everything all up in the old noggin. When I was younger, I loved taking pictures of everything I could find and unfortunately that just led to a lot of pictures stored away in envelopes up in the attic.
Of course when I'm old, my memory starts to fade, and I begin to look backwards instead of forwards, I'll kick myself for not keeping a physical record of my memory. This past thursday and friday I was in San Diego for the first time since July. And while no tires exploded on the way there, no zombie jesus argued with a klingon in the klingon's native language, and no crowds of star wars fans dressed in imperial uniforms were present, my experiences this past Thursday were quite memorable.
Early thursday morning, my father and I hopped in the car and drove to San Diego. He and many of his old Navy buddies wanted to get together and go aboard the United States' latest and largetst aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan. I was looking for an excuse to leave Phoenix and I haven't been on a carrier since boarding the U.S.S. Coral Sea back in 1983.
To discribe the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan in one word: HUGE. The flight deck alone is over 300 yards long. The view from the flight deck, of course, was gorgeous. Being able to see the entire San Diego bay from Coronado island is always a treat.
The interior of the ship is a cramped metal maze of stairways, ladders, chambers, and possibly a minotaur in the center. The entrance to the ship was a little odd as the entrance contained a small memorial museuem for Ronal Reagan that was well designed but somewhat creepy. I'm not sure if Mr. Reagan wanted the poster for "Bedtime for Bonzo" to be on display in an aircraft carrier named after him.
The real treat of that day was being able to talk to for the first time some of the people my father served with while in the military. The first was Terry Kaltenbach, a man who has been my father's closest and oldest friend. He is a retired Naval intelligence commander who now works as an insurance underwriter. Throughout the whole trip he discussed with me the idea of joining the Naval reserve intelligence program. The next person I got to meet was a woman named Stayce. She's a colonel in the Air Force reserves, a United Airlines pilot, and the first woman to be eligible to fly Air Force one. She was all around one incredible person that I hope to keep in touch with.
The third and final interesting person I got to meet was a short man named Charlie White. Charles was the youngest of the group (still in his fifties) who now works at Naval Air Systems Command or commonly known as "NavAir." He made a mention to me that NavAir is always short on staff for as many projects that they have. He also mentioned to me that there's a good chance I could get hired if I talk to the right people. Great guy, but I wonder if I'll ever hear from him again.
Of course hanging around all these people who had nothing but praise for their time in the service makes a young impressionable guy like me go... "HEY! I WANT A JOIN TOO!" That's the danger of getting stuck in a rut, you'll do almost anything to get out no matter how crazy. But I think I'll go teach english out in Japan before I decide to become an Air Force supply officer outside of bagdhad.
Besides, because of my bad eyesight, I could never do any of the cool jobs the military or other forms of government service has to offer. Just recently I learned that that I could easily be eligible to be a special agent in the FBI, only if my vision wasn't 20/400 uncorrected. The same goes with any type of aviation or navigator position. Even as a commercial pilot, I could not fly with my vision, so somewhere along the lines if I ever do choose to go these routes, I'll have to get lasik.
So here I sit, yanking out my hair trying to think of what to do with the rest of my life.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Here's another attempt at the same Something Awful forum thread.
Hooray for asymmetry! Man my layout skills really blow.
Hooray for asymmetry! Man my layout skills really blow.
Monday, September 27, 2004
CLICK HERE AND BE DISTURBED
**requires quicktime**
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
I've decided to go back to my older template until I can nail down a new one. I don't know... I've become really lazy lately. I really do need a new job, as this one has sapped all my energy and creativity. In the mean time, enjoy this picture of Chewbacca and Pricess Leia caught in a scandalous scene!
Oh Chewbacca... what a wookie!
Oh Chewbacca... what a wookie!
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Well my head's finally clearing up a little and I'm feeling a bit better. Of course nothing lifts my spirits like reading the latest Jack T. Chick comic tract. In his latest assault on intelligence, Mr Chick has created one of the most baffling and insane tract yet. If I had any decent writing skills I could try to describe just how crazy "THE LAST GENERATION" is. Just read the tract for yourself to learn the tale of Pagans who rule the world from Rome by day and exterminate good hearted Christians by night.
You will see photoshop enhanced versions of these comics as soon as I can think up an idea or two.
WHO IS JESUS?
You will see photoshop enhanced versions of these comics as soon as I can think up an idea or two.
WHO IS JESUS?
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
School didn't quite work out like I planned. Too many drop ads, couldn't get the classes I wanted for the BA in Chemistry. The schedule for art wasn't going to happen and all the while I was freaking out. So now, same plan as always. Get a job, go to grad school, and if all else fails, I'll join the Air Force as an officer.
I had a lot of plans this past two years since graduation college. Life got in the way of them, but from here on out I really don't have much of a choice but forget the past on move on to the future. Who knows where I'll be or what I'll be doing. In the mean time, I plan on getting a new job, one that gives me decent hours and decent pay. I'm tired of not seeing anyone or missing out on life in general because I'm trying to make money for a purpose that never came. I took this job at the UoP to earn up enough money to move out of Arizona. Now that everyone else but Joey fell out of that idea, there's really no reason for me to stay here, other than wait yet another 3 months to get free tuition for online schooling.
Frankly, I'd rather not spend 3 more minutes in this place. I've had enough.
I had a lot of plans this past two years since graduation college. Life got in the way of them, but from here on out I really don't have much of a choice but forget the past on move on to the future. Who knows where I'll be or what I'll be doing. In the mean time, I plan on getting a new job, one that gives me decent hours and decent pay. I'm tired of not seeing anyone or missing out on life in general because I'm trying to make money for a purpose that never came. I took this job at the UoP to earn up enough money to move out of Arizona. Now that everyone else but Joey fell out of that idea, there's really no reason for me to stay here, other than wait yet another 3 months to get free tuition for online schooling.
Frankly, I'd rather not spend 3 more minutes in this place. I've had enough.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Monday, August 23, 2004
IF I HADN'T SCREWED UP MY LI TAGS...
I'd mark off that one item on my list that says "go back to school." Because here I am at MCC just finishing up my first class. What class is that? A drawing class, because somewhere I thought I'd be an aspiring artist. Seeing as how well MIS has carried me since graduating from college a year and a half ago... I thought I'd do something crazy like change career fields.
Of course it doesn't help that I get out of work at midnite, get home at 12:30, and if I'm lucky get to bed by 12:45 only to get up six hours later to go to class. I may not last long and I'm not sure how to go about this.
The problem with being a boat without a rudder is that you'll spin, spin, spin around in the water all the while eating up the most precious resource we have as human beings. Time keeps ticking away and each day I feel like sand is pouring out of a broken hour glass. I look back at how I've spent the time and realize that I didn't do nearly enough as I should have. I didn't experience enough joy to help me through the days when the drudgery of work would null my senses and dull my wits.
I didn't travel when I had the free time. I didn't mingle well enough with people I may have been able to develop close personal relationships with. I just ended up secluded and unfulfilled. When a person gets to that point, no doubt they'll try to do anything to start living life in a different way. I guess that's why I'm here. I'm just trying to educate myself in something new in hopes to make a much needed change.
The trick here is not to pass out. On top of that, I miss my friends and I miss having a brighter future to plan and work for. Let's all hope that this time around I make the right decisions instead of the ones that have lead me to this point. However, I'm left with a big decision. Continue on in this new path with hopes of being able to live through the lack of nurishment and sleep to reach a new life. Or to continue working hard at my job and advance in an already chosen career field. It's a big decision to make, and one that has to be made before I drop a couple hundred bucks on art supplies.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that this blog is now a year old. I know I've been really mopey and self absorbed with my little piece of the internet lately. I don't get a whole lot of chances to share my feelings with the people I know anymore. If I can help it, I'll return this blog to its original purpose. Stupid but entertaining crap. My next photoshop project is "Black Tar Ale." A delightful refreshment that combines the full body flavor of a tasty dark beer with the soul crushing and nerve damaging euophoria of black tar heroin.
I'd mark off that one item on my list that says "go back to school." Because here I am at MCC just finishing up my first class. What class is that? A drawing class, because somewhere I thought I'd be an aspiring artist. Seeing as how well MIS has carried me since graduating from college a year and a half ago... I thought I'd do something crazy like change career fields.
Of course it doesn't help that I get out of work at midnite, get home at 12:30, and if I'm lucky get to bed by 12:45 only to get up six hours later to go to class. I may not last long and I'm not sure how to go about this.
The problem with being a boat without a rudder is that you'll spin, spin, spin around in the water all the while eating up the most precious resource we have as human beings. Time keeps ticking away and each day I feel like sand is pouring out of a broken hour glass. I look back at how I've spent the time and realize that I didn't do nearly enough as I should have. I didn't experience enough joy to help me through the days when the drudgery of work would null my senses and dull my wits.
I didn't travel when I had the free time. I didn't mingle well enough with people I may have been able to develop close personal relationships with. I just ended up secluded and unfulfilled. When a person gets to that point, no doubt they'll try to do anything to start living life in a different way. I guess that's why I'm here. I'm just trying to educate myself in something new in hopes to make a much needed change.
The trick here is not to pass out. On top of that, I miss my friends and I miss having a brighter future to plan and work for. Let's all hope that this time around I make the right decisions instead of the ones that have lead me to this point. However, I'm left with a big decision. Continue on in this new path with hopes of being able to live through the lack of nurishment and sleep to reach a new life. Or to continue working hard at my job and advance in an already chosen career field. It's a big decision to make, and one that has to be made before I drop a couple hundred bucks on art supplies.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that this blog is now a year old. I know I've been really mopey and self absorbed with my little piece of the internet lately. I don't get a whole lot of chances to share my feelings with the people I know anymore. If I can help it, I'll return this blog to its original purpose. Stupid but entertaining crap. My next photoshop project is "Black Tar Ale." A delightful refreshment that combines the full body flavor of a tasty dark beer with the soul crushing and nerve damaging euophoria of black tar heroin.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
ANOTHER SOCIAL FAILURE
I seem to have yet again, failed to make any headway on being a social human being. Everyone knows me as being somewhat anti-social, but it's never been because I wanted to be. I'm just really awful at connecting with people I don't know. Call it shyness or anxiety, but for some reason I just... can't... do it. This is a big problem now as my close circle friends is finally heading off into their own directions. I'll soon be left on my own again.
The biggest problem I have with social interaction involves parties. I keep going to them in hopes that I'll get better at being a social human being. Ever since I was 18, I've fallen into the same pattern of behavior. I end up going into "observer" mode. In the midst of all the noise and the chatter, I'll sit on the side lines and watch others carry on.
I also need to stop drinking beer at parties. While everyone else believes I'm full of shit when I say this but beer just makes me sleepy. Really really sleepy. Imagine if someone shoved two bricks of lead into your skull and expected you to stay awake. After drinking just two beers I simply cannot keep my head up. People claim that alcohol helps to lower your inhibitions while all my life it seems to turn my inhibitions up to 11 and shut me down.
It's sad, because now I'm 24 and severely lacking in skills and experiences needed to be a well-rounded person. I thought 4 1/2 years of college would have helped me break this pattern, but it didn't. I really feel like I let everyone down last night and if that's the case, then I'm really sorry.
I seem to have yet again, failed to make any headway on being a social human being. Everyone knows me as being somewhat anti-social, but it's never been because I wanted to be. I'm just really awful at connecting with people I don't know. Call it shyness or anxiety, but for some reason I just... can't... do it. This is a big problem now as my close circle friends is finally heading off into their own directions. I'll soon be left on my own again.
The biggest problem I have with social interaction involves parties. I keep going to them in hopes that I'll get better at being a social human being. Ever since I was 18, I've fallen into the same pattern of behavior. I end up going into "observer" mode. In the midst of all the noise and the chatter, I'll sit on the side lines and watch others carry on.
I also need to stop drinking beer at parties. While everyone else believes I'm full of shit when I say this but beer just makes me sleepy. Really really sleepy. Imagine if someone shoved two bricks of lead into your skull and expected you to stay awake. After drinking just two beers I simply cannot keep my head up. People claim that alcohol helps to lower your inhibitions while all my life it seems to turn my inhibitions up to 11 and shut me down.
It's sad, because now I'm 24 and severely lacking in skills and experiences needed to be a well-rounded person. I thought 4 1/2 years of college would have helped me break this pattern, but it didn't. I really feel like I let everyone down last night and if that's the case, then I'm really sorry.
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